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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.