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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/