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The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Iām late for a disappointment.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Save water, shower together.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.