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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
At the Touch of Love..Everyone Becomes a Poet !
But..At the Touch of Breakup Everyone Becomes a Philosopher... ^_^
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.