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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.