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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Partying on my level requires years of training.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
Siri, where are my pants?
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t