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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.