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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!