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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.