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It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.