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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.