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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
I believe in love at first episode.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
My brain has too many tabs open.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.