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I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Mondays should start at noon.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem