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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!