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If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
I always advise people never to give advice.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.