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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
I forgot to post this earlier
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally