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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.