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Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.