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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
I like it like that
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.