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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...