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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
My favorite beer is an open one.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.