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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
Does this status update make me look fat?
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
“Knock him out.” – Mama
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.