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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......