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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
This recliner and I go way back.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.