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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today, or flash them your boobs...... Strangers love boobs!
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?