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I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
So I was thinking... We should get drunk and make bad decisions.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"