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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.