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This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.