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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.