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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.