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Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when Iām awake.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween