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Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.