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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it