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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.