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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one