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Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
Lets not get carried away it`s not like McDonalds shutdown
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.