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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?