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word of the day: nincomtard
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.