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We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2