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Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.