Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.