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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
hilarious
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?