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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.