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Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.