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Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.