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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
Share this if you are weird and don`t care
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.