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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops