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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.