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I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
We get it poets: things are like other things
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.