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Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet to see which comes first. I`ll keep you posted.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I grew up for this?
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.