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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I`ve come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.