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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.