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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.