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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?