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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.