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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?