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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?
Bad decisions make good stories.