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The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance