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I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
To hell with the "dislike" button! i think we need a "who cares" button, a "WTF" button and a "STFU!" button. just saying.... Oh and a "lol" button because i just get tired of writing it! lol!
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.