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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.