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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
I think...therefore, I am.....single
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.